Motherhood Myths vs. Reality

Believing the worst and becoming self-critical...every opinion can feel like a critique.

There is a lot of noise about Motherhood. Some parts of that are better than others. Some parts are downright destructive. Even during my first pregnancy (and if I think about it, all my life), people - especially other women - seem to feel the need to tell you things about being a mother whether you want to hear it or not. The rods you will make for your back. The unsolicited “dos and don’ts” that make you feel uncertain about what path you might choose to follow yourself. At its best it is food for thought, some ideas and inspiration. At its worst it is toxic poison dripping in your ear at a time when you feel at your most vulnerable.

So it’s easy to get bogged down with believing the worst and becoming self-critical as a result. Every opinion can feel like a critique. Every piece of advice feel like you’re being told you’re getting it all wrong.

Being a mum is hard enough without buying into these narratives. But in order to be truly free and empowered in your motherhood journey, it is essential to let go of external chatter that drains you, and start feeling in charge of your own choices.

So let me help you cut through the B.S., one myth at a time. Let me know if you can relate - and I would love to hear your own stories about this issue, so pop me an email or a message on my socials!

If any of these tips hit the spot - reach out, I have so many more ways I can help you, mumma.

Myth: “Motherhood won’t change me at all / I will completely lose myself”

Reality

The truth is somewhere in the middle. Motherhood doesn’t erase who you were; it evolves you. This profound change happens at a physical, emotional, mental, hormonal and social level. The term for this is ‘Matrescence’ (a bit like adolescence, but less well known!). Check out the book ‘Matrescence: On the Metamorphosis of Pregnancy, Childbirth and Motherhood’ by Lucy Jones, which for me was fascinating and SO validating.

You can’t just ‘go back’ (or dare I say it... ‘bounce back’ 🙄) to your old self, and that can feel like a loss. And it’s not just the late, wild Friday night parties that we miss either. Admittedly, when all your non-parent friends are making exciting plans the FOMO (fear of missing out!) really kicks in. It’s overwhelming: the lost freedom to sleep whenever/however much you want; your clothes covered in someone else’s muck. You spend your downtime juggling childcare logistics only to feel guilty to be leaving them. Life just feels more complicated now.

Write to your pre-motherhood self...share what you've learned...make her some promises.

Letter to the ‘Old Me’: This exercise can be a really cathartic release and opportunity to put your complex feelings into words. Find a notebook and let loose - write to your pre-motherhood self as though she is really going to read this letter. What would you like to thank her for? Tell her about the things she takes for granted that you miss. You could even share what you've learned about yourself since becoming a mama. Even better - make her some promises about how you plan on nurturing your current self to grow into an even more upgraded future-you!

Myth: Putting your own needs first means you are a selfish or "bad mum"

Reality

This is an idea that has been pushed on mothers for decades, and it’s time to push back. Putting yourself on the priority list isn't selfish; it’s a non-negotiable part of effective parenting. You are the source of energy and calm for your family. If you're constantly running on empty, everyone will feel it, and you simply cannot be the parent you want to be.

Taking care of your needs is a vital form of energy management for the whole household. Furthermore, it's crucial that you show your kids the importance of looking after yourself, or the cycle will continue and they will struggle with this as adults too.

The Action Plan: To break this guilt cycle, try this one small, practical step: Write a list of 3 simple things for yourself that you would do if you had half hour to yourself. Pick one, then ask someone in your support network to help watch the child(ren) to allow you the time to do that one. Even if they just sit with them in your house, or take them to the park. Make a plan for when you will do the next one, and who you will ask to help you. It's about scheduling your needs as a priority.

Myth: Mum guilt is a natural part of motherhood that we just have to live with and accept as our norm.

Reality

While mum guilt is a common feeling, it's absolutely not a healthy or necessary part of motherhood. This feeling often comes from unrealistic expectations. These can be pushed on us by society, social media, or even the impossible standards we set for ourselves. Instead of accepting it, we can learn to recognise it for what it is—a signal, not a failing. Our power lies in choosing to build self-compassion and confidence, which helps us escape the shame.

Spend some time thinking about what fuels your mum guilt - where did it come from in the first place and what keeps it alive? There's a good chance that even just thinking about this will help you feel slightly more detached from the feeling.

The Mindset Shift: To combat the shame, you need a daily reminder that you are enough. Try this affirmation: Repeat every day: "My child(ren) is/are proud of their mum." This re-centres your identity around your actual impact and your child’s love, rather than an abstract societal score. The narrative is yours to own.

Myth: Asking for help is admitting defeat and showing weakness.

Reality

Let's flip the script on this one. Asking for help is not admitting defeat; it is an act of self-awareness and strength. This simple action is the most effective way to avoid burnout. Moreover, when you ask for support, you are modelling a powerful lesson for your children: that it’s okay to have limits and that true resilience lies in knowing when to lean on others.

As mothers, sometimes it’s our job to do the difficult things because our children depend on us.

That might be confronting someone about the way they speak to your child, or challenging a school to do more about bullying. It’s nerve-wracking and uncomfortable. But with practice, and with the motivation of our kids, we do it. We are our kids’ best advocate - and you need to start advocating for yourself too. This might look like asking for help with things you feel embarrassed about (ever-growing pile of laundry I’m looking at you!), or highlighting when people aren’t in your corner as you need them to be. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable, or you will stay isolated.

Breaking the Barrier: Sometimes we don't know who to ask, or how to ask them. Do a mini support network audit. Write down the first 3-5 people who come to mind who you rely on in some (even small) way. For each one, write down their 3 top qualities and their 3 worst qualities (when it comes to their supportiveness). Get creative - this isn’t all about childcare, it can be 'great for a vent over coffee' or 'delicious cook'. Now come up with some action plans to address/make the most of their best and improve on their worst. E.g. - good cook? ask them to batch cook you a meal to freeze down (give them your tupperwares!). Always cancelling on you? Send them a text or call them to ask if there is something about the support you are asking for that leads them to cancel. Tell them how valued they are and that you want to help them help you. Have the difficult conversation - you won’t regret it (and if you do, maybe they weren’t right for your village anyway).

Myth: Snapping at your kids makes you a bad parent.

Reality

Losing your patience doesn't make you a bad parent, but it is a clear signal that your emotional reserves are low. You can't always be at your best, and that’s just a human truth. The crucial part is what comes next: repair. Reconnecting with your child after a difficult moment models emotional intelligence, shows them that mistakes are human, and reinforces that your love is unconditional.

Some days it feels relentless - the over-stimulation, the unexpected mess...

I want to let you into a little secret - you’re not alone in this. Some days it feels relentless - the over-stimulation, the unexpected mess to clean up, that warning light on your car you keep meaning to fix. We spin loads of plates, while wearing loads of hats, and all while trying to keep a serene smile on our faces. It’s unrealistic. It’s unhealthy. We need to be kinder to ourselves. And on days when it just spills out - try this tip below.

The Repair Script: The best way to model emotional intelligence isn't avoiding the snap; it’s recovering from it. Use this simple, effective process: Name it, Own it, Change it. Say what you did wrong (Name it: "I yelled at you"), apologise for it (Own it: "I'm sorry I used an angry voice, that was my fault"), and tell them what you will try to do next time (Change it: "Next time I feel frustrated, I'm going to take a big breath first"). This teaches them a life-long skill: how to repair relationships.

We're all just doing the best we can, navigating these expectations and evolving every single day.

Which of these myths do you find yourself battling the most? Let me know! - katie@katiewilsoncoaching.co.uk

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